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Bra~cha Power!  [Bra~cha Power: Vol 1 Issue 3] -Letters- -Cover story: - -News- -Evaluations- -Question Corner- ---------------------------------------- [Letters] Dear Bra~Cha, I wish I had a cool zine like you but I don't cause I suck, so I'm secretly plotting ways to cramp your style--such as hang out with you and make constant corny jokes. HA HA! -Disgruntled Mexican It's always nice to hear from our southern neighbors from time to time. No worries, my Wet-back friend, you've always been cramping my style and you'll continue to do so. =) Vivas las Mexico! Yo tengo uno gato en el pantalones! Brian, dear... I say we go beat the crap out of all the AOL tekkies until we get our money back. -nod,nod- Now.. where's my toaster? Carolness That's a great plan Carolness! We'll march right into their office, rip their coke-bottle glasses right off their face, and then choke them with their own pocket protectors! P.S- You left your toaster in my living room. Dear Dead-man, This is the third time I'm telling you this, and accompanying this letter is a bomb, laced with anthrax. I want you to die horribly. -Disgruntled Bob Y'know Bob, can I call you pig-fucker? Y'know pig-fucker, your ability to get worked up over nothing is actually quite amazing. I must salute you and your bomb-making prowess, even though when it "exploded" it managed to clean my room for me, and the anthrax got rid of all the flies buzzing around. So I really must thank you. Keep in touch. =) Ye Sexe Gode, Forsooth and what ho, thou beith yon hot tamale. Come hither, what what, and exact yon sweet love upon my nubile form. ~Ye Olde Wench~ Well that was unique. o.o I should introduce you to a friend of mine, the two of you would....well, no...nevermind. I'll just go the old fashioned way: Egads wench! Thou stinketh like yonder offal! Get ye clean and hence get ye to a convent! Have a question? :D Email Bra~cha and he'll read it! He'll probably even spell check it first! ---------------------------------------- [Blades and You] Many people have a very unhealthy fear of bladed weapons. Swords, knives, claws, etc. Anything that's sharp and potentially lethal, these people have a penchant to run from. Where does this fear of sharp-pointy-death come from? Why do so many people have a phobia of these glorious items? And so, I shall reveal the truth about them for the masses. Swords are cool. You can try to deny it, and you can try to deny their practicality, but in the end you're an idiot for doing so, because swords are cool. Look at all the great things you can do with a sword: Swing it around, cut down grass, kill people, reflect light in peoples eyes, scare away the mailman, kill people.... You see how versatile they are? You can do just about anything and everything with a sword, as long as it involves you cutting something. Not only that, but if you don't care for a particular type of sword, you can move on to another! Broad swords, bastard swords, backswords, claymores, katanas, butterfly swords, gladiuses, etc. If you can't find a sword that's right for you, you're doing something wrong. They're everywhere! They come in all shapes and sizes (but they're usually shaped like swords) and you can even get them customized. There's an old saying "Live by the sword, kill a shitload of people." Or something like that. Knives are equally as cool. They're just like miniature swords. You can stick them in your pocket, and a large percentage of them fold up for easy storage. Many situations call for some sort of bladed instrument to cut something, and you don't always have a sword on hand. This is where the miraculous knife comes in. Pull out your knife *k-chik* and start to cut away. The most used form of this is in eating, but just think of other things you can cut. Tendons, veins, hair, rope, fingers, toes, etc. So why do so many people get nervous when they see a knife? It's such a great thing. And we come now to the claws. Perhaps the most visibly scary items in the category, claws are just plain awesome. True, there is little to no practical use for claws, but just think how practical it can be to kill a man. Have you ever weighed the benefits? Killing a man with your claws is not only simple, but it can be very fun. Tear tear, rip rip, slash slash, and ~ the ~ blood ~ goes ~ spilling ~ down. They make you look like a monstrous freak, and make it quite hard to grip things without cutting yourself, but the overall cool factor negates those. All that being said...I truly don't understand why people are afraid or queasy.... Note from the NYPD: The author of this article has been lobotomized. ---------------------------------------- [News] In national news today, the cross-dressing and exceedingly psychotic murderer Robert Durst is preparing to plead self-defense in his trial. When asked about the subject, his lawyer issued this statement: "We're prepared to convince the jury beyond any shadow of a doubt that it was entirely an accident when my client murdered his victims and then dismembered their bodies. Taking to the road and posing as a mute woman, or otherwise a drugged-up cross-dresser, was the trauma induced by all this." When personally interviewed by Bra~cha Power! the defendant said "I didn't mean to mutilate them, it just kind of happened." The Florence Supermax prison in Colorado is set to expand soon, and living conditions shall be on par with such 5 star hotels as the Waldorf Historia, Hilton, and the Drake Hotel. The upright and humane clientele includes: Richard Reid, Wadih El Hage, Salvatore Gavano, Theodore Kaczynski, Robert Hanssen, Terry Nichols, Omar Abdel-Rahman, Eyad Ismail, Ramzi Yousef, Yu Kikumura, El Sayyid Nosair, and Luis Filipe. It is widely rumored that they will be adding a JFK suite, which will be on reserve for either Osama Bin-Laden or Saddam Hussein. All "rooms" shall include a hot tub, and be fully customized per the guests needs. It should also be noted that each cell will be roughly twice as large as my bedroom. In Boston, the already imprisoned Joseph Druce is being detained for killing fellow inmate and Religiously Inclined Child-molester Fr. John Geoghan. Druce's lawyer told reporters that Druce was quite proud about killing the son of a bitch baby raping priest fuck, and there was no doubt in his mind about it. Precisely what will be done with Druce is unknown at this point, but our sources in the Vatican tell us he is to be annointed and given a job. In international news: The Caretaker President of Liberia, Moses Blah, has publicly apologized for his countries involvement in terrorist activities. As a part of his "Forgive-me Campaign" he has distributed bumper stickers which read: Don't blow us up. The peace talks between Israel and Palestine seem to be proceeding as planned, and Palestine recently called for Israel to stop killing their militant leaders. "We can talk about a ceasefire, another truce, but we must have guarantees from Israel that it will cooperate. Now when Palestinian territories are full of tanks...I think that it will hinder any effort that we will take." ~ Palestinian Information Minister Nabil Amr. [ Interesting to note that this bit of news was not doctored by me in any way. It was taken from the NY Daily News. ] In his interview with Bra~cha Power! Minister Amr added "It's pretty hard to negotiate peace when we're all standing around holding each other by the balls." In Bombay, India, a car-bombing killed 40 people and injured more at a jewelry market and historical landmark. Interestingly enough, it was the cab-drivers who were first interogated, and both of them were on vacation from their New York City jobs. One driver had this to say: "Stay at home: drive de cab. Go on vacation: drive de cab. I like to drive de cab. My cab blew up, so what do I do now?" ---------------------------------------- [Evaluations] Today we shall evaluate the ever popular: Kung Fu movies. I don't think there's a person living that hasn't seen at least one Kung-Fu movie, and if there is, they must be caught and stopped. Kung-Fu movies keep us alive. They keep us happy. They keep us entertained. True, they have little to no plot line, and usually you're dumber for having seen them. However, they show us men fighting with martial arts and talking with bad accents! How could a movie be any better? Watch such great Kung-Fu movies such as The Duel, or The Man With The Golden Arm, and you will surely agree with me. They're not only awesome, they're also awesome. Of course, one cannot discuss Kung-Fu movies without discussing Bruce Lee. Bruce was da man. Period. End of story. He was cooler than you. He was cooler than me. He was cooler than everybody else combined. Because he was Bruce Lee, and we aren't. Bra~cha Power gives Kung-Fu movies 10/5 stars, and gives Bruce Lee 4986576892570988659675263/5 stars for being so cool. ---------------------------------------- [Question Corner] DragonBloodHonor: If you were given the choice of drinking a Corona (extra heavy, of course) nicely chilled and with lime but it would be the last alcoholic beverage you could ever drink; or taking a butter knife and fighting off a den of disgruntled grizzly bears, which would you pick? NitroRageX: if it's the last one I could ever have, hell no I wouldn't take it, but I would take a butter knife and fight off the bears for a corona NitroRageX: actually I would fight them with my bare hands if you make it a keg DragonBloodHonor: Gotta love the Dominican spirit. NitroRageX: damn right DragonBloodHonor: If you were given a choice between choking yourself with an inner tube or sleeping with Marilyn Manson, which would you pick? Rabioso Bunny: I would sleep with Marilyn Manson, although he'd probably do some freaky, SM stuff. I'd rather live through a night of sex with the guy that's my worst fear then die. >>; DragonBloodHonor: :D So kinky DragonBloodHonor: If you were given the chance to castrate such famous assholes such as Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Fidel Castro, etc. etc., but you could only use your teeth: Would you do it? Deric884: Hmm Deric884: tough, tough choice Deric884: Im going to have to with a no on that one, Alex Deric884: I dont need Osamas man juice on my face DragonBloodHonor: Woah. I never said anything about man-juice Well, that's all for this issue! :D Ja! Current mood:  artistic.
[Bra~cha Power: Vol 1 Issue 2] -Letters- -Cover story: Edumacation.- -News- -Evaluations- -Question Corner- ---------------------------------------- [Letters] Deric884: wanna do something tomorrow? DragonBloodHonor: o.O You're returning to the city tomorrow? Doing something would probably save my sani--no, there's no hope for that. Yes, though. Dear Bra~Cha, I'd say you first issue was a smash hit. =D Your article on bending the rules has made me want to become more of a unique rebel in our society that's just chock full of unique rebels! -- Ok, so I don't really want to become a unique rebel, seeing as that I'm already perfect. Anyway. Keep the Bra~Cha E-zine going. :D Love, The Perfect Woman <333 =D Well it's certainly great to hear from an adoring and oh so very perfect fan! I think the first issue was a smash hit too. ~.^ Thanks for reading, and stay sexy. <3 Dear Jerk, I thought I told you to cut the shit. Go outside and get some sun. Volunteer your time where you'll be useful-- like the city dump. Nobody will complain about how much you smell there. Sincerely, Disgruntled Bob Bob, you have anger problems. Do I have to remind people what happens if they need Anger Management? You wouldn't want to hang around Jack Nicholas 24 hours a day, would you? Y0 |3-|v|a|\|, | 7|-|i|\|k `/0u|2 5t|=f i5 a\/\/3s0m3. |20 [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<k [...] |>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]
[Bra~cha Power: Vol 1 Issue 2] -Letters- -Cover story: Edumacation.- -News- -Evaluations- -Question Corner- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Letters] Deric884: wanna do something tomorrow? DragonBloodHonor: o.O You're returning to the city tomorrow? Doing something would probably save my sani--no, there's no hope for that. Yes, though. Dear Bra~Cha, I'd say you first issue was a smash hit. =D Your article on bending the rules has made me want to become more of a unique rebel in our society that's just chock full of unique rebels! -- Ok, so I don't really want to become a unique rebel, seeing as that I'm already perfect. Anyway. Keep the Bra~Cha E-zine going. :D Love, The Perfect Woman <333 =D Well it's certainly great to hear from an adoring and oh so very perfect fan! I think the first issue was a smash hit too. ~.^ Thanks for reading, and stay sexy. <3 Dear Jerk, I thought I told you to cut the shit. Go outside and get some sun. Volunteer your time where you'll be useful-- like the city dump. Nobody will complain about how much you smell there. Sincerely, Disgruntled Bob Bob, you have anger problems. Do I have to remind people what happens if they need Anger Management? You wouldn't want to hang around Jack Nicholas 24 hours a day, would you? Y0 |3-|v|a|\|, | 7|-|i|\|k `/0u|2 5t|=f i5 a\/\/3s0m3. |20<k 0|\| -1337 |>u|>3 I'll trasnalate that for all the readers that don't speak leet. "Yo B-Man, I think your stuff is awesome. Rock On. -Leet Dude" Well, thank you very much 1337 |>u|>3. j00 |20><0rz 2. Dear Bra~cha, It has come to my attention that you have the sexiest eyes ever. Please do me. Love, A hot chick. My eyes are pretty sexy, I'll give you that. However, I will not do you. Sorry HC. Have a question? :D Email Bra~cha and he'll read it! He'll probably even spell check it first! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Edumacation] With school starting up again, either already or in quite a short time, for so many of our readers, we felt that it was in our best interest to run a story on education. Or more accurately, Edumacation. What could we possible have to say about the subject? Well, read on, dear friends, read on. At some point in every young life, the school goer asks "Why the fuck do I have to do this?" True, for most of us, that question is asked daily with no answer forthcoming. Well, here is one answer to that question: If you don't go to school you may end up like President George W. Bush. Mr. Bush is proof that -anyone- can be president. If that's your thing, then hey...go for it! If not, and you want to live life with a brain, then this is the place for you. You may be wondering to yourself "Didn't Bush go to school?" Yes he did, and he got himself a fine edumacation. What you have to really be doing at school is not absorbing all they have to tell you: rather, you have to jot it all down and ignore the shit out of it, and fill in all the gaps with your own info. I'm not saying drop out of school. Fuck no! What would you be doing if you weren't in school? Your parents would probably make you get a job or something. We don't want that. No, it's better to go to school, hang out, and have a good time (while suffering through the tediousness of the classes.) If I can do it, anybody can. =D The golden rule is this: Do enough so nobody bitches at you. The actual degree of work done while following this rule will vary from person to person...but that's how we can tell who is smarter than whom. Hey, if you're perfectly okay with getting straight C's, then ride forth young soldier, ride forth! Earn your C with startling alacrity and declare to the world your averageness! After all, A's aren't everything. How many A students have you had an intelligent conversation with, when that conversation didn't involve bookish facts? I can't recall any. But ho-ho...the fool that goes to school simply to jerk around isn't any better than the book-freak either. You're a waste of my space and you're making my school life more difficult by pissing off the teachers. Of course, I do have to thank you for taking the attention away from me. Without these kinds of people, my laziness would be brought to center stage with a blaring spotlight on it. However, thanks to your presence, I was always allowed to sit on the wings singing backup. =) Kudos, my mentally challenged compatriots. Kudos. After reading this, I want you all to think "Can't I just kick my Trigonometry teacher in the face and call it a day?" That's what this is really all about. u.u School is mental conditioning that teaches us to hate people of authority and rebel against them. So, why fight against a system so firmly entrenched in its place? I say go with the flow and rebel, rather than rebel and conform. It's pretty ironic (don'tcha think?) but it's the truth. So when your classes once again begin (or when you return to them, if they already have), I want you all to sit proudly in your seats and pay as little attention as possible to the drivel coming your way from the older, foppier version of that work-a-holic bookworm sitting beside you. (And always remember that it's okay to be a bookworm, it's just not okay to be a suck up and do a shitload of work.) When the future valedictorian walks by you, do the school a favor, do yourself a favor - nay, do the WORLD a favor- and trip the son of a bitch. =) I assure you that the Dean will understand, because that self-same Dean was once a student too -- and probably the one that ratted all his/her classmates out when something like this happened. The secret is, they're sick of doing their jobs after having done them for so long. Get away with murder in school, folks, because you won't be able to do it again. (Unless your name is OJ.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -News- A UN Embassy was bombed in Baghdad recently. It was later reported that a note mysteriously found its way onto the scene of the blast the next day stating: "Our bad." The United Nations is set to comment on this later today, but in earlier interviews the overtones of their rebuttal has been "You owe us lunch." In Israel, there is note of continued combat against Palestinians. The Israelis commented that they really only want Palestines milk money. In local news, Governor Pataki is requesting an extenension on his emergency powers. When asked why he wanted the extension, he pointed to the button on his jacket, reading: "Sieg New York." It has recently been discovered how Riduan Isamuddin -also known as Hambali- was captured. Turned over by local Thai police to the CIA, the Thailand police reported that the neon sign in Hambali's window saying "They'll never think to look for me here!" was their first clue. The CIA was baffled at the seemingly clairvoyant foreign para-military forces. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Evaluations] Today we are going to evaluate something near and (sort of) dear to all of our hearts....AOL. America Frickin Online...oh how we loathe thee. I don't recall ever hearing anybody say "I love AOL." And if I ever did, I would slap that person upside the head until they snapped out of it. We all hate AOL. People that have never used AOL hate AOL. The AOL executives hate AOL. Time Warner hates AOL so much that they want to get rid of them, even though AOL is still pulling in quite a lot of money. So why the fuck do we all stick around? o.O The question for the ages. Some of us have already gotten out, and now lurk about on AIM. The irony of using AIM after deleting AOL has been noted in the past, and will be noted again in the future. Why is AIM exponentially better than AOL, but free? And that being the case, why do all of us pay for AOL?! This is a mystery that this humble demi-god *cough* cannot crack. My theory though is that we are given subliminal messaging to keep us as clients. Need I mention all the CD's that we get in the mail? Or the commercials with "testimonials" by people who have obviously never used AOL before? Or the sponsorship of way-too-many public events? That damned warped AO symbol is all over the place and it drives us mad. We subscribe to the damned service to shut them up and stop the voices. The voices don't stop though...they just keep talking and they get louder, and louder, and LOUDER as time drags on. Welcome! You've got Mail! You've got pictures! You've got Voice Mail! *new!* *creaky door opens* *door slams shut* *brrrring. brrrring. brrring* Goodbye! Stop the madness. For the love of all that is holy....STOP THE MADNESS. But we can't. We're hooked. It's like trying to stop eating meat, or quit smoking. More accurately, it's like being a crack addict. We can't give it up without a steady dose of methadone...or morphine....or a good solid smack upside the head with a hockey stick. Bra~cha Power gives AOL 6/5 stars, but against our will. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Question Corner] DragonBloodHonor: If you were given the choice of blowing up an orphanage to get a sandwhich, or sleeping with Hillary Clinton, which would you do? Deric884: blowing up orphanage Deric884: i do get a sandwich Deric884: they good DragonBloodHonor: =) That's why we're friends. Deric884: =) Mai Youboshi: Damnit. I need my printer to work. x.x; DragonBloodHonor: o.o You broke it? Mai Youboshi: >.>; I DIDNT DO IT! DragonBloodHonor: >> You broke it. Mai Youboshi: >.< not! DragonBloodHonor: How did it break then? u_U Mai Youboshi: I broke it. RoninDragon00: In AD 2101... DragonBloodHonor: WAR WAS BEGINING! RoninDragon00: What happen? DragonBloodHonor: Somebody set up us the bomb. DragonBloodHonor: We get signal! RoninDragon00: What! DragonBloodHonor: Main screen turn on. RoninDragon00: It you! DragonBloodHonor: How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. RoninDragon00: What you say? DragonBloodHonor: You have no chance to survive make your time DragonBloodHonor: Ha Ha Ha RoninDragon00: For great justice...move every zig! RoninDragon00: You know what you doing. Well, that's all for this issue! :D Ja! Current mood:  energetic.
[Bra~cha Power. Vol 1 Issue 1] -Letters -Cover story: Bending the rules. -News- -Evaluations -Question Corner ---------------------------------------- Here is a letter from a beloved fan. :3 Fishy on a stick: Good night my Carbon Copy of the opposite sex. :D :Kisskiss.: :D Good night to you too, my perfect woman! <33 Dear Bra~cha, It has come to my attention that you are a pretentious fuckhead. Kindly go fuck yourself and die. Sincerely, Disgruntled Bob Well Bob...I never liked you either. Kindly cram your head up Rosie O'Donnel's ass while being castrated by a foreign midgit. Dear Bra~cha, OMG u r liek teh kewl!!!1!1 hav my baby!!1 <3 Teh relle HAWT chick w/ big boobs I see...TRHCWBB, I hope you can garner some information from a marvelous creation that I like to call "reality." ._. I don't know about any babies, but I say we can try for it, as much as you like. But please don't expect any Christmas presents from me. And I'm not calling you.....let's just call the whole thing off. Dear Bra~cha, Is it true that you could beat up God? -The boy Yes boy, it is very true. I kick the crap out of that guy every other thursday. I just want you to know though: Don't play him in poker. He cheats like nobodies business. Have a question? :D Email Bra~cha and he'll read it! He'll probably even spell check it first! ---------------------------------------- [Bending the Rules] >3 We all love to do it. We usually do it all the time, in front of strangers, with strangers, at night with the lights out, or during the day with the lights on. It doesn't really matter to us. We do it, and we love it. Just face it...breaking the rules is fun. There's no way around it. So why this love for doing what's wrong? Well, that's what I'm here to tell you. The answer to that age old question: Why the fuck should I listen to you, crapface? One reason may be due to our complete and total love for sex. :3 Sex is great, and everybody tells us not to do it. Forbidden love is just about the best kind of love there is, and it just stands to reason that forbidden anything else is proportionately good! Think about it. Cake tastes so much better when you're not supposed to be eating it. >D TV is so much more enjoyable when you're not supposed to be watching it. It's the thrill. :3 I don't know about you, but I sometimes like the confrontation that comes afterwards. Arguing with people is fun, and fighting is better. >9 Put yer dukes up ya sumbitch, ya! Being an adrenaline type, I go in for all that stuff. Rules have their place, of course, but if you ask me, so does rule breaking. You can't just not break the rules. What would you be then? British. So what are some of the best ways to bend and break the rules? Well, the easiest are the written and concrete rules. You look at what's written and spelled out for you, and you do exactly the opposite. Or maybe not the opposite, if you're just trying to bend. ~.^ S'up to you. Unwritten rules are trickier. Bending them is harder to do since not everybody agrees on them. So, you have to go all out and do a little bit of what everybody doesn't want. :D Take everybody into consideration when you try to piss them off, it's much kinder! ---------------------------------------- News flash! This is a breaking event that we are reporting to you live, from the Oval Office. President Bush has finally learned how to spell the word "tree." Unfortunately for him, he still has no idea what his environmental policies mean. In other news, the suspect in the Northeast Blackout has been apprehended today. He confessed to falling asleep at his station after not drinking enough coffee. In falling asleep, his head hit a gigantic red button that read "DO NOT PUSH: EVER," thus setting off the entire chain of events. He has been summarily sacked. "Saddam Hussein" has made another broadcast to the United States. The person in the video, however, was a twelve year old Texan with a Saddam Hussein nametag. The CIA is still uncertain as to whether or not this was actually Saddam. The heatwave continues in France, and the death toll continues to rise steadily. Research shows that it is not actually the heat killing the victims, but the smell rising from their unwashed bodies. ---------------------------------------- [Evaluations] I know what you're thinking: What the hell is this bastard rambling about now, and what is he evaluating? Well, anything I like. :D It's my magazine. Today's evaluation is: Email. What can be said about email? It's fast, easy to use, and it doesn't require postage. Oftentimes the only thing one gets is porn and other spam...but the upside far outweighs the negativity of these emails. Then there is also things like Strong Bad email! Everybody loves email. Have you hugged your email today? Bra~cha gives email 4/5 stars. ---------------------------------------- [Question Corner] Here's the part where I ask random people questions, and we get real answers. :D Read away. DragonBloodHonor: If you were given the choice of being stuck on a tropical island with nothing but a TV/VCR (with unlimited power) and all of Stephen Segal's movies, or gouging your eyes out and living a normal life, which would you pick? DeceitfulGlances: gouging my eyes out and living a normal life DragonBloodHonor: :D A logical choice. DragonBloodHonor: Which would be worse, getting castrated by having your cock bit off by an 80 year old woman, or getting gang-banged by NSync? Ghaleon1010: i dont know i guess being gang rapped is pretty bad DragonBloodHonor: Gang-banged, then? Ghaleon1010: yep DragonBloodHonor: Would you rather be ass raped by a gorilla, or skinned alive by a French-midgit? Mai Youboshi: Ass raped by a Gorilla Mai Youboshi: of course Mai Youboshi: fuck the french DragonBloodHonor: Of course. Well, that's all for this issue! :D Ja! Current mood: creative.
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